Life in the Big Van

When we had to move from a “regular car” to a minivan, I had a crisis of vanity.
Minivans just screamed “mom”.
Then someone pointed out that yes, minivans screamed “mom”, but so did the children following me around everywhere.


Good point.


So I embraced the horror of the minivan and got on with my life.
Then the minivan died at the very top of Avon Mountain on the hottest day of summer almost two years ago, and so we just extra embraced the extra horror and got a full sized van to replace it.


It takes a woman secure in her identity to drive around in one of those babies, I’ll tell you.
Also, a shocking lack of fear helps too.


And yes, it’s every bit as crazy inside the van as you would imagine, as this video shot while Ken and Lotus were taking their sweet time in the Stop and Shop getting provisions for Easter dinner, leaving me locked in the mobile prison for the criminally insane demonstrates:


Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I suggested we switch from moving pictures to stills.  I figured I could stand four loud cries of “CHEESE!” better than whatever was going on in the video.

Everyone sat down, I focused the camera, and got this:
Yes.  This is what Ken and I have purposely flooded the gene pool with.  The collective IQ of the human race will forever be raised by a good 10, 20 points.
You’re welcome.

I tried again.  ”Come on guys, what was that last picture?  How do you go from yelling and screaming to comatose in 4 seconds?  Let’s try again.”
Yeah.  That’s much better.  

Once more.  ”Look happy, boys.  Please?  Can you try your hardest to appear that you’re actually enjoying your childhood?”
I guess I asked for that last one.

Finally, after a “I’ll run in, there’s only a few things on the list” famous last words from Ken, 45 minutes sitting in the back alley of the grocery store because it’s the only place that easily accommodates the sexy beast of a van,  we’re all feeling like this, nicely summed up by John-Luke:

Comments

  1. says

    I love that you called it a “sexy beast of a van”. And we have the identical 2 car seats in our van (of the ones that you can see)- identical (both purchased at garage sales/craig’s list). Twinsies!

  2. says

    I agree with J-L…BTW–when our baby girl is born, I have the PERFECT nickname–Very!!! Very Donaldson pretty much says it all…xoxoxo

  3. says

    Xander just learned yesterday (no lie) to do that thing John-Luke is doing. I got it on video too. You know because he’s a baby genius. Like your hooligans.

  4. says

    One of my all time non-favorite things is to wait while somebody goes into the store for a couple of things… Famous last words. Never fails, before they get back, I need to pee, am totally bored, either burning up or freezing cold, and angry…

    the kids handled it better than I usually do. I have learned to always have a book or other form of entertainment. You have entertainment also – - 4 boys and a camera !

  5. says

    Crack.me.up. I love how your posts are always filled with honesty, utter-humility, reality and hilarity! I laughed so hard reading this.

  6. says

    Driving a big van is embarrassing in some ways, but I get great satisfaction in cutting off smaller cars with impunity. Nobody messes with a big van when it comes to merging or yields or anything. I like to pretend it’s a tank…full of children, yes, but still able to go anywhere it wants. We’ve considered investing in those hydraulics to make it jump up and down when we pull into the church parking lot, but so far the budget doesn’t allow it.

  7. says

    You’re a nice mommy. You let your kids unbuckle while you’re waiting.

    On an unrelated note, my five year old also wore a Hawaiian shirt yesterday. Red with crabs and fish.

    But I’ll bet yours isn’t still wearing his.

  8. says

    You’re a nice mommy. You let your kids unbuckle while you’re waiting.

    On an unrelated note, my five year old also wore a Hawaiian shirt yesterday. Red with crabs and fish.

    But I’ll bet yours isn’t still wearing his.

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