I HATE POTTY TRAINING!!!

11:13-11:28 A.M.- outfit Joaquin in his new “Go, Diego, Go!” underpants, making a big deal about how he’s a big boy, no more diapers, etc. etc.  Joaquin closely inspects Ken to make sure Daddy has underpants, too (though he seemed disappointed that Daddy didn’t also have on “Go, Diego, Go!” ones).  Sat on 9 dollar plastic toilet.  And sat.  And sat.  Nothing. One chocolate chip given for trying.  Timer set for 15 minutes.


11:29-11:44- Joaquin drinks apple juice, occasionally declaring to anyone within earshot, “No more diapers!  I big boy!”  Morale high.

11:44- Timer goes off, Joaquin goes back on plastic toilet, set up in the middle of the living room.

11:45-11:50- Begins yelling at the pee for not coming out.  Ken tries to convince him to relax, to no avail.  I take him off plastic toilet in the middle of the living room, as I don’t want him to “burn out” already.

16 seconds after removal from plastic toilet- Joaquin informs me, from his perch on the stool in the kitchen, that he has peed.  I smile, tell him it’s ok, accidents happen, take off first pair of wet underpants, and set him on the plastic toilet. Second pair is put on.

11:51-11:59- Joaquin sits on the potty, playing with the “Spiderman” DVD.  He asks me seven million questions about the movie, yet fails to pee.  Finally, to preserve my  sanity, I take him off the toilet, and set the timer for 7 minutes.

12:00- Joaquin informs he has peed, and indeed, is standing in a puddle of his own urine on the kitchen floor.  I try to get the second pair of wet underware off him, step in his pee, almost slip and fall, and promptly lose my temper.  I declare to anyone within earshot, “I HATE POTTY TRAINING!”  and feel better.  After cleaning up the mess, I tell Joaquin that he’s sitting on the potty until he pees, and I don’t care if it takes the rest of the day.  He agrees, books are stacked up next to him, and the standoff begins.

12:00-12:38- Joaquin reads books, sings songs, and occasionally tells his sister (who is about 3 inches from his face, staring at the whole process) to, “Leave me alone!”  While I sympathize with his need for privacy, he IS in the middle of the living room, and there’s not a lot that can be done.

12:42- Joaquin informs me he has peed, this time in a proper place, and the entire house erupts into cheering.  Chocolate chips are given, applause resounds, songs spontaneously composed and sung, and all is well.  Timer set for 15 minutes.

12:59- exactly 23 seconds before the timer goes off, Joaquin informs me that he has peed- again on the stool in the kitchen.  The kitchen is just about flooded from the vats of urine that come out of this little boy’s bladder, and I completely lose it.  I inform Joaquin that he is now going to sit on the potty for the rest of his life, and that’s all there is to it.  Lotus then wanders into the kitchen, whining because Joaquin’s new life on the potty is interfering with her social schedule, so she gets yelled at, too.  I then glare at Harvey to see if he’s going to give me an excuse to yell at him as well.  Both Ken an Gabriel have wisely absented themselves from the scene, the former by going to work (bastard) and the latter by napping.  Morale very, very low.

1:00-1:30- Joaquin eats lunch sitting on the potty.  Nothing.  Diaper goes on for nap, which seems to offend my son in some obscure way.

4:45-4:56- Joaquin sits on the potty, upset about the whole thing.  I give him 3 chocolate chips to keep him chipper.  This works until his sister goes outside to play in the sandbox.  Then a pathetic whine issues from the 9 dollar plastic toilet, which is now in the kitchen.  Finally, I let him up, go to give him 3 more chocolate chips for trying, and notice that there are exactly 5 drops of pee in the potty.  Success!  There is great cheering and general jubilation, and he gets a whole handful of chocolate, then is sent to the sandbox in his Thomas the Train boxer briefs.

5:01- Joaquin is led inside by his sister, both of them exclaiming that Joaquin has peed in the sandbox.  

Comments

  1. says

    Rome was not built in a day. Sage advice,but noooo help in present situation.Keep at it girl,he will go to university at some time. Dad

  2. says

    Ah, brings back a few memories of Bella and her toilet training days. When he’s ready, he will conform. Or…….eventually it will be his wife’s problem. :)

  3. says

    This was so funny I read it to my room mate. It was funnier the second time around. I am anticipating a third read later today when I am wiped out from writing about Animal Rights and Triple Horns.

  4. says

    Haha, thank you for posting this! I am a seminarian and it helps me to see, during my discernment, that marriage is not all romance and gushy feelings! Marriage has struggles too. Unite these potty crosses with Jesus carrying His cross! :).

    • says

      Few things drive home the reality of the Incarnation quite like meditating on Our Lady having to suffer through potty training Jesus. Apart from the quick laugh, it really is an amazing thing to ponder the fact that the Holy Family weren’t issued a “Get out of Bodily Functions Free” pass. When God joined Himself to humanity, He did it all the way.

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